Carnival blues

I stepped on the scales this morning... why is it that rest always seems to mean a two kilo gain??? I cooked, and therefore ate, all through Carnival (and drank too). What were my accomplishments? I made two cushion covers, I hemmed two pairs of trousers, I helped load and unload and wash down a laser boat (Rothina), I made the cover for the foot rest, I moved my bedroom around, I took the chest of drawers out of Pedro's room and moved it into my closet, I put the towel shelves into my bathroom and I swept, and dusted, and swept again. Doesn`t look very impressive - oh and I washed and hung out (and brought in - didn't exactly fold it all) three machine loads of washing. Five days holiday! Oh well...

Stagnation

What stops me from going forward? Laziness? Procrastination? Or, maybe I am trapped... I suppose I could break free, but it would be at an enormous cost and probably not worth it! I just think it would be nice to be able to make plans and work on the execution without having to depend on other people (kids to grow up, mouths to be fed, husband to get over depression, employers to do the right thing) and all the little stuff... It seems that one becomes so entangled in everything, I know that I would not want to live without all the personal links I have - I just wish they didn't interfere so much with my space. Perhaps, if I took up exercise again, that might make me feel freer, at least it would be time legitimately away from everything. I am feeling enroached upon, crowded and unable to breathe - even the uniform I am obliged to wear at work bothers me...
I DO feel trapped - if laziness and procrastination are part of this or a consequence I am not sure.

Reminiscing (sp?)

I was just checking up on some things I wrote in other spaces and I found this:
02 de outubro
As time goes by...
As time goes by... it seems that not only time goes by, but that life also is dragged by, running me over, leaving me to wonder what it is all about. There is a feeling of not being able to redeem time, especially pleasurable, meaningful moments. Where have they gone? Is this all life is about? surviving from day to day? As much as I try to live the moment, focus on what is [should be] important, I still have the feeling that I am being left behind and that it is increasingly difficult to catch up. Maybe my expectations are too high, maybe I am dissatisfied too easily and cannot live the moment which hides behind a cloud of disapointment that I have allowed to drift into my line of vision. We must be content with our lot, yet strive for higher things, count our blessings and fight on, being courageous in the face of adversity - it is all so contradictory, or so it seems to me.

This was posted on 02/10/2007! I regret to say that I still face the same issues... I wonder what it is that stops me from going forward...

At work

I am bored... I need a vacation. I know I should be grateful for a job, but I am so tired, I have so many other things to do - the kids are going back to school this week and next, I need to buy uniforms and school material and find out what can be used from last year, I need to build Pedro's wardrobe - I have the plans, but I need to buy the wood and discover how to put it all together. I need to buy material and make new curtains and fit them in João's room. I want to get Isabella's wardrobe fixed too. So many things to do and so little time to do them!