Sunday, April 19, 2009

Learning day to day...

It is not even half way yet and I miss him so much... Every day I face new challenges - today I had to clean the pool, first time ever - it worked! Ok, I had the help of my middle son. The kids are finding it difficult in the mornings, he isn't there to make their breakfast (and mine, too!). This has made me reflect on how difficult it must be to be divorced, widowed or a single mother. I have to feed the dogs, remember to put out the rubbish, lock the house at night, seemingly small things, but they loom so large to me, simply because there is no one else to do it - the buck stops here -   literally. The car is playing up, of course and the bank account is staring at me with hungry eyes, I know that if he came back, things wouldn't really change (except I wouldn't have to feed the dogs!!), it is just having to face it all - alone. Maybe it is the green eyed monster attacking again, that is a possibility. I do miss him, I need another adult to talk to, teenagers are fine, some of the time, but after a while, you run out of meaningful things to talk about. the empty bed also upsets me  - I find that his side of the bed is hardly ruffled, when usually he manages to untuck the bottom sheet as well as the rest! The kids miss him too, sidestepping around me when they sense I am stressed out! Oh well, tomorrow begins another week.

Friday, April 10, 2009

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Rambling on about changes

I have just read a super inspiring post by a dear friend whom I have never met in person, but is very close to my heart. Mimi Avery is a cancer mom - there, I said it! Unfortunately, this is a bond that many mothers share and I am also a cancer mom, albeit one of the "luckier" ones. She wrote a beautiful post about how difficult it is to reconnect to old friends after cancer - in her case, she is the mother to angel Julian.
While we were looking for psychological help for our son João after his medical treatment was over, we were concerned in finding a professional that could relate to his situation and we found a good person who attempted to guide him back into to the "normal" world. You see, my son has been "cured" and shows very few outward signs of the ordeal he went through. Something that most people think should make us joyful and ready to put the whole disease behind us - it is not that easy, you cannot really just pick up and move on after cancer. As Mimi says, some people do not realize that you can't go back to the "old" you, your life has been changed, you have suffered losses and experienced a lot more than most. My son wanted his "old" life back, life before cancer, but has found that many of his friends have become distant or are a little afraid of associating with him. The girls are "sorry" for him and that's it - he told me that when he goes to a party he ends up talking to the older people there, the birthday person's mother or grandmother and doesn't really have a chance to get in "on the action"! And this is a healthy fifteen year old who is good looking, articulate, smart, friendly, affectionate and apparently no serious hangups - His therapist gave him carte blanche and said he was able to deal with his issues and I think he is too, but I observe the difficulties he has in fitting in. He often wants to cling to us and spend more time with us than with his peers. One of the things I told him while he was having therapy was that I felt that he shouldn't be yearning so much for his "old/normal" life and that he should try to find a way to go forward without wanting to go back. I also wish that we never had had to go through this and pick up our "old" life, however, it is very clear to me that this is not to be - cancer is part of our life fabric now for better and for worse. This is the link to Mimi's enlightened post:

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Clearing the air

It is essential to clear the air sometimes - I have let my significant other know how frustrated and envious I am of his condition in life. Although I am sufficiently sane to know that I have made my choices and must face the consequences I STILL wish I could just leave the house, the kids and pets, and get on that plane to Porto Alegre on Friday to bring Walkon to Ilhabela or Angra dos Reis, without a care in the world. In itself, I couldn't anyway, as I wasn't invited. I know that he is concerned about us and is not being irresponsible at all, but BECAUSE I am a woman, wife and mother I somehow don't think it would work the other way around, would it?? Maybe I should paint this post green, LOL!
This morning he told me before leaving for work, that he felt sorry for me and guilty (!!!) - oh dear, that will me make me feel guilty for confessing my darkest feelings to him. I wish I were that selfless person that surrenders all for the well being of those whom I love - I am afraid I have a long way to go...
It is now less than 48 hours before he leaves for three weeks - at least! I must make something positive of this, but what?

Thursday, April 2, 2009

Full house!!

It must be a historic moment - there are nine kids in this house who are grandchildren to my parents! Maria doesn't know which way to turn - she served chicken and roast beef and jerked beef for lunch! The kids loved it. 


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Some of my favorite things

  • Excellent food
  • Music
  • Internet
  • Light clothes and flip flops
  • Beaches
  • Dogs
  • Flowers
  • Good books
  • Sunshine
  • Wind in sails